he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
