Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
