I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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