walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
