Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
