she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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