He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
