Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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