I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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