I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I need to calm my uterus...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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