how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
