Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.