What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
