i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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