i can't believe i had my finger in that
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
