upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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