I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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