he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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