3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
