how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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