i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
