My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
