I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
