Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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