I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i would one night stand the shit outta him
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
