grandma shit on top of the toilet
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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