Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
