Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
