You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
