im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
