ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
