I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
