my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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