Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
