Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my shit smells like andre
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
