My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
