Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
