Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
