so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i think my tv is drunk
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
