My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
