I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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