My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
