my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
