Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
