dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
