I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
