Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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