Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
