I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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