Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
