feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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