I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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