I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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