I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
