on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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