i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
