why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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